The Circle: the edge
You know what everyone else wants before you know what you want. You say yes and mean no. You keep the peace by getting smaller. Or the reverse: you cannot rest until they see it your way. Either way, the edge between you and them is not where you left it. Quick test: what do you want tonight? If you had to check what they want first, keep reading.
What is actually happening
The edge is where your circle ends. Inside: your feelings, wants, values, choices, actions. Outside: their feelings, their opinion of you, their choices, the way they take your no. Most people have never drawn the edge, so the brain draws it wherever it learned to as a child, usually too far in (fold) or too far out (push). A boundary is not a rule you announce. It is a description of where you end, and a description needs no permission.
The misread
Waiting for them to accept the boundary before you have one. “I told him and he did not respect it.” A boundary that depends on their agreement is a request, and requests are theirs to refuse. A boundary is what you will do.
Hand flat on your sternum, exhale long, and say the rule in your head: what I feel is mine, what you feel is yours.
The edge sort
Take the drawing from orientation and add a third column, the edge. List every “should” in your relationship with the hard person. Sort each one: is this mine to do, theirs to do, or nobody’s? Then take one item that landed in “theirs” that you have been doing, and stop doing it this week. Take one item in “mine” you have been outsourcing, and do it. Small. One of each.
The edge sort, three columns, plus the two moves for the week and what the body did when you made them.
If you moved, you chose to move. And if you chose it, you can choose differently.
If you are frightened of someone at home, or someone controls your money, your movements or your children, this programme can help you keep yourself, but it cannot get you out. Speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours) or, in immediate danger, call 999.
This programme is educational and not a substitute for therapy, medical care or specialist domestic abuse support.