The Overlap: dealing with others, on purpose
Part three: Dealing with others
You have the edge, the car and a direction. Now there is an actual person in front of you, and your body wants to fold or fight. What do you actually want from this person? Say it before you read on.
What is actually happening
Overlap is the point of relationships. Chosen overlap is love, work, family, friendship. The three collapses are unchosen overlap: fold (you carry theirs), push (you or they reach across), flight (you leave and take nothing). Resentment is the receipt for years of unchosen overlap: unmet needs, unspoken expectations, no repair after conflict, feeling unheard, self-abandonment, one person holding the power. Every one of those is a collapse you can name on the drawing.
The level matters. If your body is flooded, no sentence will work; settle first. If a particular voice throws you back to being eight, that is a learned trigger, and it un-learns by holding the edge in small doses until the body finds out nothing bad happens. If it is a story (“good people do not say no“), write the story down and ask whose circle it came from.
The misread
Announcing boundaries. A boundary said as a rule for them invites a fight about the rule. A boundary said as a description of you needs no reply. “I am not discussing this tonight” beats “you need to stop bringing this up.”
In the moment: exhale, feet, one hand flat on your own leg. Five seconds is enough to get the choice back.
The overlap contract
For one real relationship, draw the two circles and shade the overlap. Inside the overlap, write what you choose to share: time, money, the children, decisions, feelings. Outside it, write what stays yours: your friends, your body, your opinion, your no. Then the three sentences you will use this week, all descriptions of you, none instructions for them. Then say one. Notice which collapse the body offered you when you did.
The contract, the three sentences, the collapse spotted, and the repair question: after the last conflict, did anyone repair? If not, is that mine to start?
If you moved, you chose to move. And if you chose it, you can choose differently.
If you are frightened of someone at home, or someone controls your money, your movements or your children, this programme can help you keep yourself, but it cannot get you out. Speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours) or, in immediate danger, call 999.
This programme is educational and not a substitute for therapy, medical care or specialist domestic abuse support.